The Kingdom of DOS-a-lot part I
by Carlos DaSilva
A large crowd was gathered in the Castle square. A coder in shining armor
(tis I!) stood in the center. He was atop the black stallion known as
"I am Sir Optimize, and I represent the noble Kingdom of Dos-a-lot, ruled
fairly and justly by the great King Gatesway. There has been rumors echoing
alongst the countryside of an evil presence by the name of Sategllib, ruler
of Clan Micro$oft (what parts of his body this means to describe, I shall
never know)." I said. The crowd laughed warmly.
I continued, "He owns a large dragon by the name of Wyndoes. This evil
dragon plans to conquer all of Dos-a-lot, and the neighboring kingdoms of
Uniches, Crap-in-toosh, and yes, even the mysterious 'Oh... Es Tu.'" Their
collective awes was unnerving.
"This large dragon may have a weakness. While it promises to shield us from
the tyrannies of King Gatesway (and his twin princes Autoeggsekbat and
Konfygsis) we all know better than to believe this mindless drivel." The
crowd began to cheer.
"The Kingdom Dos-a-lot has history, and many stories to tell. Thousands
have roamed the lands producing such fantastic art that our minds still
reel from their beauty. Think of the great Crew of Future, and their
Reality the 2nd and Panic. Think of the greatness of id and their Duum and
Kway-keh" The crowd murmured amongst themselves, remembering the good
times. I turned slowly on my horse to address the rest of the audience.
"What has this evil dragon to offer? A heretic scroll known only as
Dy-rect-ecks. Blasphemy! Blasphemy! Great prophets and wizards have
predicted the future of great gaming and tis not in what is trendy, or what
the blasphemous Sategllib wishes, no... forces you to think. It claims to
give you unparalleled wonder under the confines of the most damning rules.
Never forget the forgiving Kingdom Dos-a-lot. It may take longer to set up
shop and home in Dos-a-lot, but when you finally do, the benefits reaped
are unparalleled." The crowd cheered more forcefully this time. Just then
several loud horse clops were heard.
"What twas that? Aha, tis King Gatesway, and his trusty thoroughbred
Wattkomm. He himself has come to rile up your adventurous spirit, and to
bring this vile treacherous combination of Sategllib and Wyndoes to a
satisfying shutdown." The crowd was in a frenzy now. Chants of "Gatesway"
made their way into the king's aged ears in surround sound.
King Gatesway rode out in the middle of the square, surrounded by hundreds
of loyal citizens, wish to know what was their fate. He spoke slowly, yet
surely... "Citizens of Dos-a-lot, we have lived peacefully for many years
now. It is a sad fact, but remember that Sategllib provided us with this
tract of land on which we could prosper. Unfortunately, an oversight in the
original clause forced us to allow him to bring the evil dragon Wyndoes
here, in which to wantonly graze on our resources. It wasn't as bad as we
thought, we could banish him when we wished, and summon him when we needed
him. It wasn't a bad situation at all. But when, Sategllib terminated
Wyndoes, and brought in a new dragon. A larger dragon. A more
resource-hungry dragon by the name of..."
"Wyndoes 95." a nasal voice said.
The crowd turned to see where the voice came from. Just then, the sky
turned black and the trees became alight with fire! Riding on the new
dragon Wyndoes neck, was the evil Sategllib! Wyndoes, who was rumored to
weigh over 100 megabytes and growing each day, towered over the small
castle of Commandcom.
He spoke with a nasal voice that was difficult to understand, yet annoying
to the ears. "Yes, you heard me correctly. Wyndoes 95! We have come to
abolish you, and your petty kingdom! Dos-a-lot is no longer necessary!"
A circle opened up around King Gatesway, as he stood alone. Everyone else
cowered as far as they could. Now he spoke loudly, and with conviction.
"Sategllib! Do you take us for fools? Our great wizards know of Wyndoes 95
and it's weaknesses. You know very well you cannot rid of us, for without
us, you cannot feed Wyndoes' voracious appetite for resources! Yes, even
Wyndoes 95 will require the services of Dos-a-lot!"
Sategllib beamed broadly, revealing his billion dollar pearly whites. "Your
wizards are obviously not up to par. Do they know any weaknesses for my
next dragon? Hmmm? I present to thee, the new and improved Wyndoes...
A huge dragon, easily twice the size of Wyndoes, appeared. Several more
appear from each side of the castle. When eight had appeared, Sategllib
announced, "These are the Wyrkstayshuns... And now meet the grandest one of
all, Sirvir... HAHAHA!" A gargantuan Dragon, easily twice the size of the
Wyrkstayshun Wyndoes EnnTee's erupted from the ground. Immediately all the
Wyrkstayshun's connected with the Sirvir.
They failed to connect, and were left hopeless unaware of what to do.
Wyndoes 95 tried to connect with Sirvir, and he suffered from a Jenerl
Protekshun Fallt. His weakness revealed, he had no choice but to go into
Dos mode. Sategllib was quick to point... "No matter, the Sirvir alone will
crush you all! Now, Gatesway. Kneel before me and profess the greatness of
the Wyndoes family."
Gatesway dropped his great sword, "Pentium" and descended from his noble
stallion. He began very slowly to drop to one knee. "We may not provide you
with the best means to visit the information superdirtroad, and alas
Wyndoes is the way to do that."
I yelled out, "No! Not you, oh great King Gatesway, surely you jest?"
Gatesway turned to me and waved me back. "Sir Optimize, please, it is not
your place." His knee dropped even lower, almost touching the ground now.
"Dos-a-lot cannot compete in productivity, and alas Wyndoes is the way to
I could hardly look anymore.
As Gatesway knee was mere inches from the ground, he said, "Dos-a-lot has
been in existence for much longer than it perhaps should of, because of
it's ability to entertain better than Wyndoes. And alas Wyndoes..."
Gatesllib was foaming from the mouth, "YES?!? YES!?! GO ON..."
"along with Dy-rect-ecks..."
Gatesllib looked very disheveled now, his glasses nearly falling off his
face, "REMEMBER THAT I CREATED YOU, AND I SHALL DESTROY YOU..."
"is simply the..."
"WORST GAMING PLATFORM EVER DEVISED!!!! FIGHT!!! FIGHT, EVERYONE!!! FIGHT
I turned around and already the war had begun. The more veteran Dos-a-lot
citizens, along with the Coders of the Look-up Table jumped into action.
Micro$oft's rather large army of public relations marched over the hill, as
the Sirvir torched various clusters of the land. Who will win? I know not,
for the battle still rages on.
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